Realisations and Revelations

This is really weird.

After reading and finishing the book Beautiful Dead -Book 1 Jonas by Eden Maguire. I began to think about my own personl relationship with my boyfriend and began to wonder how I would react if he suddenly died ... And then I had a reality check.

1. I can't imagine life without him - just too weird even if it has only been 10 months nearly 11 since I started to officially date the boy.

2. I depend on him way too much. Well not so much as depend... I just always have this need to hug him and kiss him and just be around him all the time.

3. If he suddenly came back from the dead in a zombie type form (ok read the book and you'll understand and you shall also cry) then I would not be able to say goodbye or help him find justice or peace. I'd just want him all to myself and to never let me go.

And ...

4. If he did die suddenly... then I would have nothing stopping me from taking my own life. (which happens in the book but not telling you who so read it!!!!!)

I know that 4. sounds really pathetic and clingy... but I guess that that is who I am. I mean I grew up thinking that my best friend was my best friend and that she would do anything for me... turns out that was wrong... Ditched me in yr7, and in yr11 when we were back to being best friends she did stuff with my boyfriend at the time. Also another of my best friends... well she stands back and lets me deal with shit on my own, like not even trying to help me out in a gang war, when its just me vs like 10 chavs. NOT FUN PEOPLE!!!! NOT RECOMMENDED!!!
But yeah, soon as she's in a fight that she didn't start, I jump in straight away to back me up. This isn't a once in a life time occurance. At high school I had about 10 people trying to just have a go at me, make me feel shit, make me feel so little. And guess what ALL my best friends did? Went and walked away... stood in another area and totally left me on my own. Least if it was one of them they could count on me to at least stand next to them whilst its happening, just as moral support if not to help out if the need arose.

Over the last few years... well months. I've realised something. Those who you think are your closest friends really aren't, it's those who don't talk to you very much, who manage to always make you smile when they smile. I don't know. I just guess that my defination of a friend is different to my own friends...

As long as my two best friends at the moment stick by me then I suppose I can survive...